Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier

“The truth is that both those beliefs, as persuasive as they sound, are false. You can’t be happy—though you can be happier. And your circumstances and your source of unhappiness don’t have to stop you. Here’s what we mean when we say you can’t be happy. Searching for happiness is like searching for El Dorado, the fabled South American city of gold no one has ever found. When we search for happiness, we may get glimpses of what it might feel like, but it doesn’t last.”

In this passage, Brooks and Winfrey deliberately attempt to surprise readers with an ostensibly controversial statement (“You can’t be happy”) in order to challenge the dominant assumptions about happiness itself. The quote starts by rejecting two widespread beliefs: the idea that one can be truly happy and the notion that external circumstances or sources of unhappiness must be overcome before happiness can be achieved. This idea hints at the book’s theme of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness. Moreover, El Dorado, a legendary city of gold, symbolizes an unattainable and mythical destination. Drawing a parallel between the elusive nature of happiness and the mythical city suggests that the quest for unending happiness may be equally elusive and mythical.

“No positive circumstance can give us the state of bliss we seek. But no negative circumstance can make getting happier impossible, either. Here is a fact: You can get happier, even if you have problems. You can even get happier in some cases because you have problems.”

This quote lays the foundation for the book’s theme of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness, implying that people can become happier regardless of their external circumstances. Brooks and Winfrey go on to explain why they believe that people can increase their happiness through strategic shifts in mindset, action, and approach. In this quote, the statement “Here is a fact” adds a layer of authority to the authors’ various assertions, presenting them as objective realities rather than the subjective opinions that they actually are. This stylistic choice reinforces the authors’ intention to ground their perspective in a factual and evidence-based framework.

“Imagine you asked somebody to define a car. She thinks about your question, and then answers, ‘A car is…well, it’s the feeling I get when I am in a chair, but like a chair that I sit in when I want to get groceries.’ You would assume she really doesn’t know what a car is. And you certainly won’t lend her the keys to yours. Then, you ask her to define a boat. She thinks for a minute and says, ‘It’s not a car.’”

Brooks and Winfrey often use these humorous scenarios to explain their views on happiness and unhappiness. They believe that when people try to describe happiness, they actually describe the feelings and activities associated with happiness rather than happiness itself. Likewise, when people try to describe unhappiness, they define it as simply the opposite of happiness. This quote uses humor to show the importance of definitions in this larger discussion of happiness and its related concepts. Throughout the book, they challenge conventional notions by presenting specific and nuanced definitions of various terms. These definitions ground their arguments in precise and intentional language that is designed to both challenge and instruct readers.

“The secret to the best life is to accept your unhappiness (so you can learn and grow) and manage the feelings that result. To see our lives clearly, to get unstuck from our problems, and to see the opportunities in our futures, we need to see happiness and unhappiness differently than most people do: happiness is not the goal, and unhappiness is not the enemy.”

This quote underscores the book’s theme of The Inextricable Nature of Happiness and Unhappiness. Winfrey and Brooks assert that unhappiness is part of life and that pursuing happiness does not involve trying to eliminate unhappiness. By redefining happiness and refraining from demonizing unhappiness, the quote encourages individuals to approach their emotional experiences with greater complexity and open-mindedness.

“Feelings, in the enterprise of your life, are like weather to a construction company. If it rains or snows or is unseasonably hot, it affects the ability to get work done. But the right response is not trying to change the weather (which would be impossible) or wishing the weather were different (which doesn’t help). It is having contingency plans in place for bad weather, being ready, and managing projects in a way that is appropriate to the conditions on a given day. The process of managing this weather is called metacognition. Metacognition (which technically means ‘thinking about thinking’) is the act of experiencing your emotions consciously, separating them from your behavior, and refusing to be controlled by them.”

This quote colorfully introduces the concept of metacognition, one of the principles of emotional self-management. This tool underpins the book’s theme of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness, and the authors’ analogy suggests that feelings are natural and uncontrollable phenomena, much like weather patterns. The passage conveys the idea that, similar to how weather conditions influence construction projects, emotions also play a role in the ongoing “construction” of one’s life—hence the book’s title, Build the Life You Want.

“Metacognition doesn’t mean you can avoid negative feelings. Rather, it means you can understand them, learn from them, and make sure they don’t lead to detrimental actions, which is principally how they become a source of misery in your life. A moment of fear is not necessarily a big deal; it can even be an interesting bit of data—remember, bad feelings are normal and fine. The fear becomes a problem when it makes you behave with hostility or timidity, which hurts you and others for no good reason.”

This quote acknowledges The Inextricable Nature of Happiness and Unhappiness, suggesting that unhappiness is still an unavoidable part of a happy life. The passage also ties this theme to the concept of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness. To this end, the authors emphasize that negative feelings, while normal, should often be managed, for they can be counterproductive in a modern context. This idea establishes Winfrey and Brooks’s larger argument that individuals can manage their unpleasant feelings to achieve greater happiness.

“A couple thousand years ago, that could mean being cast out of the tribe. Today it can mean losing your job or strife with a friend. So we naturally focus on negative information. This might be a good way for a caveman to stay alive, but it is generally a distortion of reality today.”

This quote is an example of the authors’ use of evolutionary biology to contextualize their arguments. Here, they acknowledge that negative emotions can crop up due to engrained, evolutionary responses; however, such emotions are not always useful. This assertion builds the groundwork for the argument that emotional self-management is an effective tool to achieve greater happiness in the modern world.

“Researchers have found that a particularly humorless ideology is fundamentalism in one’s beliefs: ‘I am right and you are evil.’ Therefore, it isn’t surprising that the current ideological climate in the United States (and many other countries) is also so humorless, or that political extremists are so ready to use their offense at humor as a weapon. To be happier and make others happier, no matter what your politics, don’t participate in the war on jokes.”

This passage is one of several references to politics within the book. In later chapters of Build the Life You Want, Brooks and Winfrey mention politics when lamenting the fact that political differences can drive a wedge between friends and family members. In these instances, they suggest that some individuals are overly sensitive about their own political views. The quote above echoes that sentiment, for it implies that some individuals are overly sensitive to jokes. Given that the idea of “the war on jokes” is often invoked by conservatives to criticize what they perceive as excessive political correctness or censorship in the realm of comedy, here the authors’ reference to “extremists” may refer to individuals whom they view as being too sensitive to offense. In multiple instances throughout the book, the authors argue that this perceived sensitivity over politics, values, and beliefs should not doom relationships, and that The Importance of Interpersonal Connection should always supersede these differences.

“Both optimism and hope can make you feel better, but hope is much more powerful. Hope involves personal agency, meaning it gives you a sense of power and motivation.”

Here, the authors contrast hope with optimism, arguing that hope is the more constructive of the two, for optimism is a more passive belief that everything will turn out all right. Their definition of hope reinforces the book’s theme of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness, for the larger message of the authors is that happiness is achieved through taking action and asserting control over one’s life, not idly hoping that it will somehow improve on its own.

“Sometimes your negative emotions are not the ones interfering with your life the most. Rather, it is the emotions of someone close to you. A family member, a spouse, or maybe a friend is suffering, and this becomes the focus of your relationship, dragging you down. You don’t want to be callous, but at some point, you need some emotional caffeine to block their emotional adenosine in your brain.”

This quote uses the metaphorical term “emotional caffeine” to vividly convey the concept of emotional substitution, a technique in which one replaces a negative emotion with a positive one. This passage hints at the theme of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness, suggesting that even when external circumstances have a negative effect, this pattern can be countered when a person takes control of their emotions using emotional self-management.

“Beyond being tough, compassionate people are action-oriented. A lot of the time, when people are in pain, they resist an effective cure because it would temporarily be even more painful.”

Brooks and Winfrey’s emphasis on “action-oriented” approaches underscores the theme of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness. Throughout the book, the authors argue that in order to achieve happiness, people must take action to change their lives rather than simply wait for their circumstances to change. This quote also hints at the theme of The Inextricable Nature of Happiness and Unhappiness. Compassionate people, the authors argue, are likely to be happier than merely empathic people, but their compassion allows them to endure short-term pain or unhappiness in order to become happier in the long run.

“Virtual mirrors are even easier to get rid of than literal ones. Turn off your social media notifications. Adopt an absolute ban on googling yourself. Turn off self-view on Zoom. Don’t take any selfies. This is hard at first, because all these practices of self-observation give such a reliable little hit of the satisfying neuromodulator dopamine.”

On more than one occasion, Brooks and Winfrey criticize digital devices as well as social media, arguing that such tools obstruct the path to happiness and authentic connection. This contention underscores the book’s theme of The Importance of Interpersonal Connection. In this passage, Brooks and Winfrey describe digital mirrors as dopamine producers, and the quote also serves as another example of the authors’ habit of underpinning their arguments with scientific explanations.

“To feel envy, you need to have exposure to people who appear more fortunate than you. That is simple enough in ordinary interactions, but the conditions of envy explode if we expose people to a wide array of strangers curating their lives to look as glamorous, successful, and happy as possible. Obviously, this is a reference to social media. In fact, academics have even used the term Facebook envy to capture the uniquely fertile circumstances that social media creates for this destructive emotion.”

Again, the authors reference social media as something that can interfere with happiness. Throughout the book, they use evolutionary biology to explain human reactions to external inputs. Here, the use of the word “explode” suggests a rapid and overwhelming escalation in the emotional response, one that can overwhelm an individual’s brain; this dynamic implies that humans have not evolved to properly cope with the sheer amount of input to which social media can expose them.

“In truth, family unhappiness due to conflict is a signal that something important is right where it should be. You are upset because your family matters to you.”

This quote normalizes conflict as a natural part of familial relationships, alluding to the theme of The Inextricable Nature of Happiness and Unhappiness. The passage suggests that relationships are vital for happiness but still naturally contain some unhappiness within them. This also evokes the theme of The Importance of Interpersonal Relationships, implying that conflict is a sign that familial relationships are important enough to maintain despite the interpersonal issues that may arise.

“Think of conflict like the bill for a delicious meal at a restaurant: the only way for it to be zero is not to order the meal. Conflict is the cost of abundant love. The objective is not to make it go away—it is to manage it metacognitively, replace it when possible with positive emotions, and blunt it as necessary.”

This quote evokes three of the book’s major themes. By suggesting that conflict is an inevitable part of abundant love, the passage supports The Inextricable Nature of Happiness and Unhappiness. It also highlights The Importance of Interpersonal Relationships by implying that close interpersonal relationships are worth the cost of admission. Likewise, the passage also evokes the theme of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness because it asserts that individuals have the power to manage conflict by taking action.

“Without friends, no one can thrive. This is the clear conclusion from decades of research. Friendship accounts for almost 60 percent of the difference in happiness between individuals, no matter how introverted or extroverted they are. A life with close friends can be happy even when many other things are going wrong. A life without close friends is like a house in the winter (in Massachusetts) without heat.”

This quote highlights the theme of The Importance of Interpersonal Relationships. Here, the use of quantitative data adds weight to the argument, underscoring the authors’ evidence-based approach to happiness. In this passage, Brooks and Winfrey buttress this data with figurative language. The metaphor of “a house in the winter (in Massachusetts) without heat” conveys a stark image of isolation and discomfort, emphasizing the emotional and psychological coldness that can accompany a lack of close social connections.

“The key to real friendship is a relationship that isn’t a stepping stone to something else but rather is a blessing to pursue for its own sake. The quality to look for is uselessness (not worthlessness—we all have had those friends, too!).”

Here, Brooks and Winfrey argue that utility friendships are less conducive to happiness than perfect (or “virtue”) friendships. The term “uselessness” is introduced as a positive quality in the context of friendship, and this choice might initially seem counterintuitive, given the conventional understanding that valuable relationships should serve a purpose. However, the use of “uselessness” in this context suggests that a genuine friendship is not primarily transactional or goal-oriented.

“Passionate love is you-centric. The neurochemical cocktail in your brain is making you think about your feelings all day long, and about your partner as he or she relates to you. So it’s no surprise that while exciting, it doesn’t bring a lot of happiness.”

Brooks and Winfrey argue that companionate love, rather than passionate love, helps build a happy life. This quote echoes the authors’ arguments in earlier chapters that in order to be happy, one should spend less time focusing on the self and should focus on others instead. Here, they assert that passionate love, while exciting, involves too much focus on the self. This idea evokes the book’s theme of The Importance of Interpersonal Relationships, with an emphasis on the “interpersonal.” Happy relationships, the authors suggest, are ones in which there is a mutual, genuine understanding, rather than an emphasis on the self.

“Fourth, treat your arguments like exercise. Something every inveterate gym-goer will tell you is that if you want to make fitness a long-term habit, you can’t view working out as punishment. It will be painful, sure, but you shouldn’t be unhappy about doing it regularly, because it makes you stronger. For collaborative couples, conflict can be seen in the same way: it’s not fun in the moment, but it is an opportunity to solve inevitable problems collaboratively, which strengthens the relationship.”

Winfrey and Brooks use the analogy of exercise to demonstrate that conflict within relationships can be challenging and strenuous but also normal and constructive. This hints at the book’s theme of The Inextricable Nature of Happiness and Unhappiness. Conflict, while unpleasant, is an inextricable part of intimate relationships, and intimate relationships are key to happiness. Similarly, going to the gym can be painful, but it can ultimately increase overall well-being.

“Vegetating in front of a screen (which nine in ten American teenagers say they do to ‘pass time’) is simply easier than talking with a friend, and virtual communications such as texting are faster and easier than a visit or a phone call. Think of these technologies as grab-and-go food at a convenience store: it’s not great, but it sure is easy—and after you eat enough microwave burritos, you forget what the real thing tastes like.”

This quote echoes the authors’ fundamental distrust of digital devices and social media. In various moments throughout the book, especially when discussing The Importance of Interpersonal Relationships, they suggest that these technological tools can prevent people from forming genuine connections. This food analogy mirrors other arguments in the book in which Winfrey and Brooks assert that the action most conducive to happiness is not always the easiest one. Happiness often requires effort and even sacrifice, and this idea is illustrated in the book’s theme of The Inextricable Nature of Happiness and Unhappiness.

“Happiness depends on you, not your specific job.”

This quote reinforces the book’s theme of Individual Agency as a Key to Happiness. Again, the authors assert that external circumstances do not determine happiness; rather, individuals can use their own agency to achieve a happy life. This contrasts with conventional beliefs around work and happiness that suggest that happiness can only be achieved once someone obtains their ideal career.

“Mindfulness should work instead toward a sense of yourself as part of the wider world, and an observation of your emotions without judgment. As you work to focus on the present, remind yourself of two things: you are just one of eight billion human beings; and your emotions will come and go as a normal part of being alive.”

This quote, which is taken from the chapter on spirituality, recalls earlier chapters in which Brooks and Winfrey discuss emotional self-management. In previous chapters, the authors advise readers to focus less on the self and more on the wider world, and to regard emotions as signals that can be managed. Here, the final chapter connects this advice to spiritual techniques that can be regularly practiced in order to achieve greater happiness.

“This illustrates the Buddhist idea of emptiness—that each of us is empty of meaning until we are in communion with others. To enjoy love, you must love others and be loved by them.”

This quote links spirituality to the book’s theme of The Importance of Interpersonal Connection. In Chapter 1, Brooks and Winfrey identify purpose, or meaning, as one of the “macronutrients” necessary for happiness. Without interpersonal connection, meaning is not possible, and without meaning, happiness is not possible.